The topic of this chapter is whether or
how one can speak lashon hara about someone who transgressed a mitzva between
man and fellow man like stealing, denying a loan, causing injury, embarrassing,
or causing pain to others and onaas devarim. If one knows someone else hurt or
stole from the other then you should first rebuke the perpetrator and if he
doesn’t listen and you know without a doubt that he did not do Teshuva which
includes returning the stolen object, paying back damages, or apologizing for
embarrassment etc. then you are allowed to tell others about what happened if
it will help the victim get his money and to resolve the truth but there are 7
rules you must meet when you tell it to others.
There is an argument between Rabbeinu
Yona and the Rambam (accept according to the Lechem Mishna) whether you can
repeat what you saw a person do against his friend in all situations, as per
the Rabbeinu Yona, or only in situations where money is involved i.e. stealing,
physical injuries etc. but if it’s just a matter of psychological embarrassment
and pain which just needs an apology then even if he doesn’t repent and ask for
forgiveness the Rambam holds you can’t share what you saw with anyone else whereas
Rabbienu Yona says you can for the sake of revealing the truth and making sure
he doesn’t do this to anyone else. Keep people away from the perpetrator.
The fact that you have to know for a
fact that he didn’t return money owed before speaking lashon hara is true by a
normal Jew and especially a sage, you have to be sure to not talk up so quick
because chaza”l say you can be assured if a sage sinned one day he has
repented by the next day but if you know the money wasn’t paid back, even if
the sage might feel remorse it’s not a complete Teshuva until payback so it’s
lashon hara to spread what happened if it will get the perpetrator even a sage
to pay back what is owed and keep people away from him until he fully repents
Halacha 5: According to the laws of chinuch,
educating your children, one has to even make sure from a young age to train
them not to speak lashon hara or any other bad talk like cursing or lying. This
is extra important for parents to teach their children because the Vilna Gaon
says that it is very hard break habits so, especially for speech and character
traits fathers should train there children to have positive character traits
and refined speech from a young age so that it will be habitual when they grow
up and not the opposite, if parents don’t rebuke then children say whatever
they want and train them selves to speak lashon hara, lies, and cursing, which
is why they continue when they grow up, since it is so hard to break the habit,
though not impossible.
6: If someone tells you something you shouldn’t repeat it unless he tells
you, it indicates to you that you are allowed to repeat what he said, except
for lashon hara, even if he said you can repeat it, of course you can’t. This
is based on a gemara in Yoma 4b: “How do you know if someone tells you
something you can’t repeat it unless he gives you permission? The pasuk says
‘Hashem spojefrom the Tent of Meeting saying.'” “Saying” means
you can repeat it.
One shouldn’t live in a neighborhood
which has groups of people constantly congregating and speaking lashon hara,
baalei lawhon hara. This is based on a Rambam which quoted the Mishna in Pirkei
Avos 9:1 that says, “Woe to the wicked and woe to their neighbors.”
This quote was also mentioned by Rashi in reference to Korah and the tribe of
Reuvein. One definitely shouldn’t join the group even if he will tell himself,
he won’t accept anything he hears because just lending an ear to listen is
forbidden. What’s even worse is to sit in shul in an area where people are
talking and speaking lashon hara during davening because not only are you
listening and probably joining into the conversation, but you might very likely
miss answering by kaddish, amens, barchu, listening intently to the Torah
reading etc. Also, to sit with shmuzers in a Beis medrish will also cause you
to waste time from your learning and your learning won’t be as sharp since it
will be fragmented.
A baal lashon hara, one who constantly
is speaking lashon hara is so bad that the Chofetz Chaim warns that a Rebbe
might have to expel a student if he sees he can’t stop him from speaking lashon
hara, as Rav Ashi, an Amora who was one of the compilers of the gemara had to do
with one of his students in Sanhedrin 31a.
If one finds himself in a group of
people speaking lashon hara then he certainly should rebuke them if he thinks
it will work. If it wouldn’t work but he thinks it won’t harm things then he
should still rebuke them to let people know he is in disagreement of what’s
happening. But if he thinks it will only harm the situation and make matters
worse then it is better to say nothing. Just as praising someone is not allowed it
will lead to lashon hara, so too rebuking someone for speaking lashon hara is
not allowed if it will lead to worse lashon hara. It is better to try to switch
the conversation or walk away. If you can’t do that then stick your finger in your
ears and if that’s too embarrassing then make a face of disgust and be
absolutely still, and have in mind not to accept anything that you hear.
But at all costs one should try to stop others
from sinning, just like the Rambam says that if you see a rabbi in the street
wearing Shaatnez then one should pull off his garment in the middle of the
street to avoid a chillul Hashem. In this case it’s easier, just create a
distraction or change subjects from the conversation at hand, or as preemptive
measures give incentives to people for not speaking lashon hara and learning
the laws about it.
More examples of Avak
- One should not praise people in front of a crowd no matter how much praise because it’s many times inevitable that someone who doesn’t like him will be in the crowd and start trash talking and downplaying this person’s praise. However, if (a) you know there is no one around who is his enemy, for example nobody knows him. Or (b) He is such a good person that one can’t find faults in him so even his enemies won’t say anything bad about him or will be immediately shut down if they try, then it’s permissible to praise someone in public. This could be why it permissible to talk about honorees at a banquet. Just don’t go overboard with the praises.
- You shouldn’t sit around with a group of people praising the gedolim, the Torah leaders of the generation because people will start comparing and it will inevitably turn into lashon hara, which is worse than speaking lashon hara about a regular Jew, because it might askew one’s attitude towards Torah Judaism. Hashem takes action against those who malign those who are closest to Him.
- One shouldn’t say anything which might cause others a monetary loss: A. A guest tells the world how great his host was and everyone flocks to get a meal by the host which might become too overwhelming and inappropriate people might get in also. B. Some publicizes how nice a person was for giving him a loan. This might lead to people who are con men asking for a loan and stealing the money.
- You should say things that sound suspicious and might sound like lashon hara. For example, if one warns others a few months later, when there has been calm in the area for a while, “I knew the whole time the guy was a thief.” Well why didn’t you say something beforehand when people could have taken precaution to protect their money?
Rambam and Rabbeinu Yona define avak lashon hara as a statement which hints to
or will cause lashon hara to be spoken. It’s very possible in most occasions
one will also transgress lifnei iver, placing a stumbling block in front if the
blind. Just as hitting an older child or loaning money without witnesses sets
up a situation of sin, the parent is enticing his teenage or older child to hit
him back, or the loaner is enticing the borrower to deny the loan and not pay
it back, so to when you praise someone in front of their enemy or you say I
don’t want to talk about it inevitably lashon hara will come out and your
statement was the cause.
I don’t want to talk about the matter is avak lashon hara, still prohibited but
not outright lashon hara even though we said in the first chapter, halacha 8
that hinting to lashon hara is fully forbidden but there it’s referring to
expressing a complete statement of lashon hara without saying it out loud like
by winking or the like but here you are not expressing any lashon hara, rather
you are just hinting to something that could lead to lashon hara. It is
definitely forbidden to tell someone who asks about someone else “I don’t
want to tell you because that would be lashon hara.” The best thing to do
is try to avoid speaking, switch subjects or just say I don’t know.
last examples of avak lashon hara in this halacha is the prohibition of overly
praising someone even if it is not in front if his enemy because it will
inevitably lead to either the speaker saying lashon hara because he’ll slip in
a line, like “but he’s not always perfect…” or people in the crowd
will chime in something of the like, “that’s not always true…” etc.
There are even times that even some praise is forbidden if it implies that
according to his standard or level there expected more of him in that area or
in other areas.
Today we began the laws of avak lashon
hara, which literally means the dust of lashon. They are statements that might
not sound so negative but it references or lead to discussing lashon hara.
Some examples are:
1. “Wow, I am amazed how far he
has come!” This implies he is doing great now but not so great in the past
and could lead to inquiries of what he used to do.
2. “Shhhhh, I’d rather not talk about
him.” If someone asks you about someone and you answer like this then it’s
obvious something is wrong. It’s better say I don’t know, all is fine, or just
change the subject. This admittingly is obviously not easy and it takes a lot
of stealth and creativity to avoid this type of lashon hara.
3. “I don’t want to tell you what
happened or what will be with so and so.” Obviously, something is up and
by say that you are prodding him on to wonder what really happened. Better not
to say anything or at least try to say a pareve statement like all is fine or
nothing happened. Of course, this is assuming there is really no constructive
reason to say anything.
4. One should talk the praise of
someone in front of others who don’t like the subject being talked about
because they will start bashing the one you praised. Besides the prohibition of
avak lashon hara you also transgress lifnei iver, placing a stumbling block in
front of the blind.
person has to know or figure out before you praise someone if the person you
are talking to has any qualms against the subject. For example, if you know a
person dislikes a rabbi or judge, for example if he has ruled against him in
the past, you can’t go over to him and ask how your new court case went,
especially if he just walked out of court because if it did not go in his favor
he’ll blow up and you were the cause of him ranting and speaking lashon hara.
line, if you want to talk about someone with someone else, even if what you tell
is not lashon hara but you can figure out that he is not on good terms with the subject and the conversation will lead to lashon hara, you are forbidden to start the conversation.
Concluding this chapter the Chofetz Chaim warns that it doesn’t
make a difference whether someone else or anyone in your household is speaking
lashon hara, even your parents you can’t just accept what they said if it is
What’s worse, the Tanna Divei Eliyahu in chapter 21 says if one
hears his parents say lashon hara or any other inappropriate speech and acts as
if he doesn’t hear them then there is a severe punishment that you all will not
fill up your days and years, not necessarily that you’ll die before your time
but you might not be able to live life to the fullest. Meaning, maybe a person
will get a stroke and won’t be able to function for many years but if he would
have stopped this speech in his house then he would have had all his strength
and faculties even in his old age until he dies.
However, the Chofetz Chaim is very careful to emphasize that
when one rebukes his parents or even anyone in his household it should be done
with soft language and emphasizing the severity of the punishment for speaking
lashon hara and the reward in the World to Come for not speaking.
Also, the Chofetz Chaim emphasizes that you shouldn’t yell at
your parents for transgressing the Torah rather you respectfully and gently say
something like “even if what you are saying is true the Torah still says
it’s never right to speak lashon hara about your friend” or judge
favorably the person being talked about until the speaker will stop talking the
Practically speaking the truth is this is very hard to do
however by building awareness of the issue hopefully it will deter others
especially those in your household from talking lashon hara. For example,
putting literature about lashon hara on your coffee table which they can pick
up and read on their own if they wish. It might get them curious and eventually
more careful of the issue. Also, if you can slip into a conversation about how
terrible slander in the media and Politics has become in our world today,
people can relate to how detrimental it is, destroying people’s lives and
making everyone feel bad they might get the message that slander can be harmful
even in our day-to-day life with our friends and those around us. This way making
subtle impacts on our family. Another idea might be to start reading the
Chofetz Chaim lesson a day at the dinner table or at least on Shabbos with the
family together which raises awareness.
Halacha 12: As bad as it is to speak badly
about your fellow Jew in front of other Jews it is worse to speak about your
fellow Jew in front of non-Jews because there is at least a very good chance
other Jews won’t accept what you say or ar least judge the victim favorably but
a non-Jew will most likely immediately believe what you say especially if a Jew
is willing to speak about another Jew in that fashion it must be true and will
spread the world and might even harm the Jew spoken about. What’s worse is if a
Jew rattles on a fellow Jew to non-Jews and gets him in trouble. This is so bad
that it is equated with someone who denies the Torah and Hashem. The Chofetz
Chaim notes that it’s known even back in his time of people who would hire
false witnesses and tattletale on their friends as a form of extortion to
extricate money from them unlawfully in non-Jewish courts.
Halacha 13: In terms of accepting lashon hara
the general rule is you cannot accept any lashon hara as truth about any Jew
accept about an apikores and one who tattles on his fellow Jew to non-Jews.
Bottom line any Jews which loses his status of being included in “your
nation” one can believe lashon hara about them. Even two parties in a
fight which you are allowed to SPEAK lashon hara about if it will quiet down
the argument, does not mean those listening can accept the lashon hara said as
absolute truth, unless it is obvious that it is the truth and by accepting it
as true it will help to stop the argument.
Another topic the Chofetz Chaim brought up in a footnote
is the issue of making fun of others, i.e., mockery. People tend to make fun of
others in very subtle ways so that the victim won’t necessarily pick up on what
he said and take revenge and on top of that, the slyer he is the more impressed
people will be at his quip and think he’s a smart comedian which will egg him
on to say more and make the victim look really bad. There are a number of
prohibitions that go along with this issue.
1. Leitzanus: One is forbidden to make a mockery in a
2. Onaas Devarim: It’s prohibitive to say things that
make people feel bad.
3. Those that listen and laugh are spitting Hashem.
4. Those that stand by and say nothing don’t perform the
mitzvah of rebuke.
5. They are also transgressing Flattering a bad person.
Halacha 10: You may not speak lashon hara to anyone whether
it’s a non-relative or relative unless it’s for a positive reason. For example,
you can tell your wife that it might not be a good idea to lend anything to a
certain person but he or she is known not to give or pay it back. The same is
true with two business partners or the like, one can tell the other that it
might not be wise to do business with this certain person because he’s not
going to pay you. Even if you don’t know firsthand of this problem but you have
heard rumors you can still tell them to be careful because they aren’t allowed
to believe what you say, just be concerned and take proper precautions. That
being said you should tell them in a way that will make it sound possible and
therefore be cautious but not decisive so that they will feel they can actually
believe you. An example in Chazal of this type of warning is in Kiddushin 52b
where the students of Rebbe Meir was warned not to enter a certain area because
people might start up with them. The Chofetz Chaim bemoans that many people
confuse this halacha and talks about his day with his wife including about
people that started up with him in yeshiva or work. Besides the lashon hara
being said your wife will most likely take it to heart and will start to not
treat this person and his family nicely and she might not only belittle the
person who started up with you but she might look down upon you and start
making fun of you after a while. This is based on an Avos diRebbe Nosson 7:3
which says that you shouldn’t talk too much with your wife which refers to not
telling her all that happened to you during your day because it will just cause
fights and she will look down upon the person who started up with you and will
look down upon you as well. Even if she will find out eventually what happened
you shouldn’t say anything because the victim tends to exaggerate.
Halacha 11: No difference who you speak in
front of whether it’s a non-relative or even a relative, a brother should not
even talk about another brother in front of his parents unless he rebuked him
first and the brother didn’t listen, or he knows the brother won’t listen to
him but might listen to his parent to change his bad ways. We know this from
the case of Yosef and his brothers. Yosef was punished measure for measure for
speaking lashon hara about his brothers to his father, even though he did it so
that their father will rebuke them. And although he got it wrong and really,
they were doing nothing wrong so he was punished for not looking more into the
matter. However, the Chofetz Chaim says it’s true that even for bad things your
siblings really did you shouldn’t run to your parents to tattletale if you can
fix the issue yourself.
There is a very
ancient decree and excommunication on those who speak lashon hara about the
dead. Whether the person was a simpleton and all the more so if he was a sage.
Insulting and degrading a sage himself is bad all the more so if talking badly
about the Torah thoughts he has spoken or written about.
There are many times in Shas and the poskim that they insult each other, and the Chavas Yair explains many if the examples in Shas of why it’s not lashon hara or insulting each other. For example, Rav Sheshes told Rav it sounds like you were just dozing off and sleeping. He wasn’t saying this as an insult, on the contrary it was a praise because normally Rav was very sharp and it must have been that if he missed something he must have fallen asleep. Another example is when Rebbe said to Levi that it seems you have no brains in your skull. Now, Levi was a student of Rebbe and Rebbe was rebuking his student to work and think harder. The Rambam and Shulchan Aruch (Yoreh Deah 246:11) learn from here that a Rebbe should speak harshly to his students if he is feeling it will encourage and inspire them to work harder, not out of anger or haughtiness, but rather a drive to make sure they toughen up if it looks like they are being lazy.