Author: Rabbi Milder

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Vayechi – Putting Your Mind to Going Against the Norm

For Food for Thought in Spanish: Haga clic aquí para leer en español. Please share this with your Jewish Spanish speaking family, friends, and associates.

This dvar Torah is dedicated in memory of Harav Avraham ben Tzvi Mordechai Kanarek zt”l on his first yahretzeit, this Shabbos, the 14th of Teves. May it be a zechus for his holy neshama.


This week’s Torah portion of Vayechi is the concluding portion of the Book of Breishis. Yaakov blesses all his children, including 2 of his grandchildren from Yosef, Ephraim and Menashe. Though Menashe was older, Yaakov switched his hands for his stronger hand to be on Ephraim as the Torah records:

13. And Yoseph took them both, Ephraim at his right, from Israel’s left, and Manasseh at his left, from Israel’s right, and he brought [them] near to him. יג:וַיִּקַּ֣ח יוֹסֵף֘ אֶת־שְׁנֵיהֶם֒ אֶת־אֶפְרַ֤יִם בִּֽימִינוֹ֙ מִשְּׂמֹ֣אל יִשְׂרָאֵ֔ל וְאֶת־מְנַשֶּׁ֥ה בִשְׂמֹאל֖וֹ מִימִ֣ין יִשְׂרָאֵ֑ל וַיַּגֵּ֖שׁ אֵלָֽיו:
14.But Israel stretched out his right hand and placed [it] on Ephraim’s head, although he was the younger, and his left hand [he placed] on Manasseh’s head. He guided his hands deliberately, for Manasseh was the firstborn. ידו:ַיִּשְׁלַח֩ יִשְׂרָאֵ֨ל אֶת־יְמִינ֜וֹ וַיָּ֨שֶׁת עַל־רֹ֤אשׁ אֶפְרַ֨יִם֙ וְה֣וּא הַצָּעִ֔יר וְאֶת־שְׂמֹאל֖וֹ עַל־רֹ֣אשׁ מְנַשֶּׁ֑ה שִׂכֵּל֙ אֶת־יָדָ֔יו כִּ֥י מְנַשֶּׁ֖ה הַבְּכֽוֹר:

The word used at the end of pasuk 14 discussing switching his hand is   שִׂכֵּל   which is in the past active, forceful tense ((פיעל, literally meaning he put his mind into it. The Radak explains that Yaakov, “put his mind into his hands, as if they did what they did [i.e., the switch] with a mind and with wisdom. For Menashe was the firstborn, and [Yaakov] saw through prophesy that he would be smaller in blessing. This is [using] the mind, for if he would have his right hand on the head of Menashe, what mindfulness would that have been because that is just the way of the world?!” (Click here for Hebrew text.)
The right side is known in halacha and kabbala to be stronger and more important, therefore it makes sense to be placed on the one getting the main blessing, which would normally be the firstborn, in this case Menashe. However, Yaakov saw through prophesy that Ephraim deserved the bigger or stronger force of a blessing, as, for example Yehoshua Bin Nun and other leaders of the Jewish people throughout history came from Ephraim (see Radak on pasuk 19.)

Therefore, he switched his hands to put the right, stronger hand on Ephraim.
Now when the Radak explains why the Torah says this took a bit of wisdom and intelligence to do it is because it doesn’t take too much intelligence to do things in the way of the world, meaning what is normal, meaning it would have been normal to put his right hand on Yosef’s firstborn son, Menashe, but it sounds like it took some effort or an intellectual decision to go against the norm and figure out what must be done which was to switch his hands.

But what seems to be the big deal? What was the challenge Yaakov had to overcome which needed him to actively put his mind (with force) into making the decision that he made? Shouldn’t it have been obvious and simple to Yaakov that he was supposed to switch his hands? He saw  through prophecy that Menashe deserved the smaller blessing, which there is no truer or clearer communication of Hashem’s word; that should have made him arrive at this decision. This also wasn’t the first time that he did something which seemed to have been out of the norm. He himself received the main blessing from his father, Yitzchak, by tricking his firstborn brother Esav. He also had used stealth and trickery to deal with his father-in-law Lavan; so why would this be a hard decision, which needed such detail as putting his mind to it in order to make the right choice? Obviously, the right decision should be made, and figuring out how to apply the prophecy should have been easy to figure out, especially  for Yaakov Avinu who had such a high level of emuna and bitachon in Hashem, as well as such a close relationship with Him that it should have been simple to make a decision like this one to switch his hands if prophesy indicates he should do so!

However, it would seem based on this Radak that on some minutely slight level even Yaakov Avinu could be affected by what’s considered normal and it was a challenge for him to figure out how to do the right thing. And only because he put his mind to it and made an intellectual decision to switch his hand was he able to do so.

We see from here how hard it is to go against what is considered normal, for example societal norms, even when they are antithetical to what is right. However, we also see that there is a tool that can be used to fix the issue, which is wisdom; using our heads to overcome what people say is normal but is in reality  the wrong choice.  It is only by using our heads can we choose to make right decisions and to follow the proper way of life.

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Sefer Chofetz Chaim chapter 10 halachos 7, 8

 In a situation where one should not rebuke the person who speaks lashon hara about others because you don’t think they will listen to you, and in fact it might be better if you say nothing because if you would say something and they don’t listen to rebuke then they will lift up their defenses and might never change even if others will come later and rebuke him. At least if you tell others without rebuking him first, they might be able to get through to him at some point and he’ll understand and change his ways. However, when you meet all the prerequisites, and you weren’t able to rebuke him then you can only spread the word in most circumstances if you say it in front of at 3 people. This is for two reasons:

1. So you don’t look like you are flattering him by only warning others about his lashon hara in private but saying nothing about his bad ways in public.

2. So people won’t think you are lying since you are willing to say it in front of a group which will most likely lead to him hearing about what you said about him.

 So since you have the audacity to speak out about this lashon hara speaker in public saying how bad he is and you should not accept a word of what he says then you have more credibility. The one exception when one can tell 1 or 2 people at a time is if you are afraid of dangerous repercussions if the lashon hara speaker finds out you are talking about him. Them Chazal says you are allowed to flatter bad people in order to save your neck and if people know you are being secretive because you a red afraid of violent repercussions then they will still take what you say into consideration and not think you are lying. However, this does not mean those listening to the person speaking out against the perpetrator are allowed to accept as truth what was said even if it is permissible to say it. They can only listen, be concerned, take proper precautions, and investigate more into the matter to see if it is really true or not. This is because it possible a fact was left out or added into the story which might change everything so one can never believe indefectibly what others says even if willing to be said in public unless he questions and proves himself to be sure it is true.

 This is very important in today’s day and age where there is so much news being thrown out in public through the media and other sources which sound true and is broadcasted to millions of people but many times we find there is a fact or something missing or added to the story that changes everything so it’s important for is to have the attitude to not believe anything decisively without looking into the matter ourselves. Again, proper precautions are permitted but assuming what was heard is absolutely the truth and making judgments is not permitted until proven to be in fact true.

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Vayigash – Trying Harder


In this week’s Torah portion of Vayigash, Yosef ensured that his father and family were safely brought down to Egypt in order to take proper care of them. Thus making certain the next step in the destiny of the Jewish people, promised to Avraham, would be fulfilled.

Yet, the medrish, Pirkei diRebbe Eliezer (perek 39) relates, “Rebbe Yishmael says, ten times did the sons of Yaakov say to Yosef ‘Our father, your servant,’ and Yosef heard these words and was quiet, and being quiet is like acquiescing, therefore his life was shortened by ten years.” The Bayis Hagadol explains that because the reward for honoring one’s parents is long life, therefore, G-D forbid, the punishment for disrespect is a shortened life. The medrish continues, “Yosef heard that his father came to the border of Egypt, and he took all the people with him to greet his father. A whole nation usually comes out to greet the king, but the king does not go out to greet any person, but you learn from here that one’s father is like a king.” (Click here for Hebrew text.)
If one analyzes what happened here, it is quite mystifying why Yosef was punished by having ten years subtracted from his life, he should have lived to 120 and instead he lived to 110  even if at first glance it seems to be measure for measure. First off, the Bayis Hagadol points out that only five times does it mention in the Torah that Yosef’s brothers said to Yosef, ‘Our father, your servant,’  once at the end of parshas Miketz (43:28), and four times in the beginning of parshas Vayigash (44: 24, 27, 30, & 31), but because there was an interpreter between them who repeated what they said to Yosef it was considered ten times. So really, he heard his brothers call their father ‘your master’ five times but it was just quoted over again to Yosef because he had to pretend he did not understand what they were saying so that they wouldn’t figure out who he was. Yosef was not ready to reveal himself to his brothers and he wanted to make sure to reveal himself at the proper time so that all his plans would work out smoothly, to be able to properly take care of his father and show him the respect that he was due. So Yosef had to stay silent even though it looked like he was agreeing that his father was his servant, which looked like a sign of disrespect, but no one knew who he was and he was in fact being quiet out of respect for his father since this was all part of the plan to safely reacquaint himself with his father and resettle him in Egypt. Furthermore, he really only heard his brothers talk that way five times and the interpreter, Yosef’s son, who was only acting, was really just a puppet; so what did Yosef do wrong and why was he so severely punished for disrespecting his father? He didn’t actively do anything and his intent, on the contrary, was to prepare for showing tremendous respect to his father which in fact Rebbe Yishmael goes on to show that he did beginning with when Yaakov first came to Egypt. Yosef, the leader of the country, came to greet him, forgoing his position and treating Yaakov like a king because he was his father. Then he sustained and took care of his father and family for the rest of his life; what greater respect is there? So what did Yosef do to deserve a punishment of  his life cut short by ten years?

We must say that Yosef’s intent was to show respect for his father, and in fact he did actively show tremendous respect for his father, and he was concerned about the status and welfare of his father the entire time, and at the time of listening to his brothers and the interpreter his motives were also respect for his father.  However, his lack of action and silence in the face of such a comment as ‘Our father, your servant,’ although he was not ready to reveal himself to his brother, was taken “in the eyes” of Hashem as a disrespect to his father because it must be if he would have really been vigilant at honoring his father he would have found a way to not allow them to talk in such a manner. He could have changed the subject or walked out, as he did when he felt he had to cry a couple of times in last week’s Torah portion, or some other way, whatever way would work. Since he didn’t take that initiative, even  though his disrespect was as passive as it was, on his level, according to what was expected of a Yosef Hatzadik, it was a lack of honor to his father deserving of punishment measure for measure.

We learn from here how careful we must be to measure our actions and even inactions, for even if we might seem to mean well, we still might not be living up to our fullest potential and what is expected of us.

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Sefer Chofetz Chaim chapter 10 halacha 6

If you know you can help a victim or potential victim from lashon hara spoken against him then you can inform others who can help before informing the one spoken about. For example, if someone confides in you that a certain person he dislikes, and he has nasty words about him and says he wants to harm the person. You know he is being serious and not exaggerating, then you are allowed to tell others if they can help to avoid or prevent a nasty situation from escalating and you can certainly tell the potential victim so that he may take proper precautions to stay away and protect himself. Of course, one is only allowed to speak out about this lashon hara speaker if one meets the 7 prerequisite rules:

1. You heard the lashon hara directly or have clear evidence it was said.

2. You make sure halachically what you heard was lashon hara.

3. You don’t exaggerate what you heard.

4. You have positive intent to only help or fix the situation. You do not speak out of hatred for the perpetrator.

 5. You should try to rebuke the guy who spoke lashon hara but if you see he will not listen to you it is better to not say anything because if you confront him he might either continue to say even more bad things about the person he was talking about just like the gemara in Erichin 16a says you should not overly praise someone because it will lead to lashon hara, or worse he might go on the defensive and rationalize that what he said is correct and go on to tell other people and convince others of his lashon hara. In that case it is better to warn other of the impending lashon hara this person speaks and tell them not to listen. First impressions count a lot it is harder to convince a person what they heard is lashon hara and false then to warn them beforehand to not listen or accept whatever lashon hara someone will eventually tell them. In a similar vein we find that the prophet Nasan told King David of Adoniyahu’s rebellion to usurp the throne after King David dies instead of it going to Shlomo. The prophet, Nasan saw that Adoniyahu would not heed any warnings of not trying to attempt a rebellion so he went straight to King David before matters can escalate.

 6. Make sure not to cause punishment worse than what the lashon hara speaker deserves.

7. If there is any way to diffuse the situation and let the lashon hara just disappear without any harm done, with telling anyone else about it then better to keep your mouth shut and take care of the situation then to say something to others. If by telling others about the lashon hara someone spoke of someone else will stop the lashon hara from spreading then you will stop unneeded embarrassment to be worse for the victim and can potentially lesson the gehenom for the perpetrator because he will see no one is listening to him and he will stop spreading the lashon hara, besides the fact that you will be fulfilling a positive mitzvah of rebuke if the perpetrator breaks under pressure and decides to repent and not advance his lashon hara.

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Miketz – Security Systems


The bulk of this week’s Torah portion of Miketz depicts the confrontation between Yosef and his brothers once Yosef became viceroy of Egypt. One of the lessons the Ralbag learns from this episode is that it is inappropriate for a complete person to take revenge for the bad that was done to him, even if he has the chance. We therefore find that when the brothers of Yosef “fell into his lap” and he had the opportunity to do something bad to them for what they did to him, he didn’t, but rather he watched over them and sustained them. Indeed, even though he pained their hearts in the beginning, this was in order to find out how his father and brother, Binyamin, were doing. It was also to see how they treated Binyamin, for if they hated him and wanted to kill him, like they did Yosef, he would have figured out a way to separate Binyamin from them and save him. For this reason, if he would not have accused them of being spies or some other bad deed, then Yosef would not have been able to investigate and find out if they still had a father or brother, because they were not willing to be so open with him. And when Yosef knew his brother was alive, he put in the effort to at least bring him to Egypt. He made it difficult for the brothers in the beginning and easy in the end. He also said to them that he fears Hashem, for in this way they were appeased, and he removed their very apparent fear. Another reason for Yosef telling the brothers that he was G-D fearing was so that it would not pain their father Yaakov so much at sending Binyamin down to Egypt, since it was known that the master of the land feared Hashem. He jailed Shimon in front of the brothers’ eyes so that they would be forced to bring Binyamin along, and if they would kill Binyamin on the way out of hatred, Shimon would stay under the control of Yosef for the rest of his life, and he would have no means of escape from there. For this reason, Shimon was released from prison immediately upon seeing Binyamin, and he welcomed all of them into his house for them to eat bread with him, in order to appease their hearts even more and also so that he could accuse Binyamin of stealing the silver goblet. He also wanted to show them through this abundant pity for Binyamin and his pardoning of him when Yosef blessed Binyamin and gave him a bigger package more than all the other brothers, in order to appease their hearts so that they won’t be too petrified when he accuses them about this robbery, by entrusting them that the ruler of this land is a kind person, and they are innocent. If not for this Yosef would have been very fearful lest they kill themselves when all these accusations arose, out of much worry, guilt, and loss. Behold, Yosef put in much effort to direct accusations at Binyamin, in order to test his brothers and see how they would treat him; meaning if they hated him they would abandon Binyamin and go their merry way, and if they loved him, they would put all their efforts in to saving him as best as they could. For this reason, we find that when it was clear to Yosef that the brothers were treating Binyamin as a brother, only then did he reveal himself and put in efforts for all of them to move near him, for him to sustain them, so they would not go into poverty. (Click here for Hebrew text.)
It would seem that Yosef, in disguise, really forgave the brothers, and in the end saw that they changed their ways, cared more about Binyamin and were dedicated to do the right thing. For this reason, Yosef was ready and did take care of them. Yet when Binyamin was caught with Yosef’s goblet in his bag and they were all brought back to Egypt, Yosef, it would seem seriously, and not just as a test, said to them, “What is this deed that you have done? Do you not realize that a man like me practices divination” (Breishis 44:15)?

 The lesson the Ralbag learns from this pasuk is that it is appropriate for a person to protect his household when any person enters his house and treat everyone in one’s eyes as if they are bandits and burglars. And if there are many people coming to the house, in a fashion that it becomes impossible to guard from each and every one of them, behold it is appropriate to test the one who is not trusted, and be careful of only him. For this reason, Yosef said to his brother ‘Don’t you know that I know divination and there is no one like me.’ (Click Here for Hebrew text.)
Yosef was teaching us a lesson to never trust guests that might come through your house, and to suspect them like thieves; but what happened to judging people favorably? Where is one’s emuna [faith] and bitachon [trust] in Hashem? Especially if a person has an opportunity to fulfill a mitzvah, as Hashem guarantees that one will not be hurt while fulfilling  a mitzvah (unless being flagrantly dangerous). Especially for this mitzvah of hospitality to guests which the gemara in Shabbos 127a (which we read every day after Birkas HaTorah) lists as a precept whose fruits a person enjoys in this world and whose principal remains intact for him in the World to Come; meaning though one is rewarded for these mitzvos in this world his reward is not diminished in the World to Come. If that’s the case, then why the nervousness and worry? Wouldn’t treating them as bandits and burglars diminish one’s will to properly perform such an important mitzvah?

It is true that the mitzvah of having guests is very important, and as we see in this Ralbag, even the number of guests does not have to be limited. There can be people going in and out of your house constantly if this is the lifestyle you live. However, Hashem expects you to use common sense when performing His mitzvos, and there must be a balance to ensure that one’s household is safe. Therefore, precautions must be taken, security systems set up to ensure nothing goes wrong in the house, or anything is taken. This shouldn’t diminish from the quality of taking care of one’s guests or the quantity of how many guests, but a balance can be made to take care of one’s household and treat their guests with the utmost respect at the same time. And even if one’s guest seems to be suspicious, that does not mean one has to limit his guests. It just means one must take extra precautions to ensure the safety of everyone and everything around him.

Performing mitzvos and protecting ourselves, possessions and our families could be a juggling act which Hashem expects us to master and excel in on all fronts.

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Sefer Chofetz Chaim chapter 10 halacha 5

One is allowed to speak out against those who speak lashon hara if they meet the rules set down at the beginning of the chapter. Being that only the real reason to publicize the people speaking lashon hara is to warn people to start away of the sim and speak of it’s severity, therefore you can only speak out about those who speak lashon hara if the ones who lashon hara was spoken about knows what happened, if he doesn’t then because he’ll find out since word travels then one cannot speak out about it because it will most likely lead to more argument and is considered rechilus. One wouldn’t be able to first tell the person spoken about since it will lead to more arguments and is considered rechilus, even if the subject of the lashon hara was a great sage. But if a great sage or any upstanding Jew of society was spoken badly about by a low life then people can warn others of the severity if speaking lashon hara about rabbis even if the rabbi did not find out about it because telling others isn’t rechilus, and in most circumstances the rabbi won’t escalate a fight but of course each case should be judged by itself.

Proof to this halacha is from a gemara in Moed Katan 16a (according to the Rosh) which says that if not for the fact that the person was a messenger of the court he would not have been allowed to tell Moshe Rabbeinu that Dasan and Aviram was saying lashon hara about him by the rebellion of Korach. Even though Moshe Rabbeinu was the greatest leader of the Jewish people, and they were incredible lowlifes, having told on Moshe to pharaoh in Egypt when he killed the Egyptian, almost having him killed, and trying to collect manna on Shabbos, still in all it would have been rechilus to tell Moshe the lashon hara they spoke about him if not for the fact that this was a messenger of the court and it was his job to ensure law and order is preserved.

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Vayeishev – Not All Tests Are Passable

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The beginning of this week’s Torah portion of Vayeishev tells of the story of Yosef being sold down to Egypt. The Medrish Pirkei DiRebbe Eliezer (perek 38) adds some interesting insights into the storyline: “Rebbe Yishmael says that every youngest son is most beloved by his father, as it says, “And Israel loved Joseph more than all his sons, because he was a son of his old age” (Breishis 37:3). But was Yosef really the youngest wasn’t Binyamin? Rather because [Yaakov] saw through prophecy that he will in the future be a ruler he therefore loved [Yosef] more than all the other brothers and they had great jealousy over him.” The Bayis Hagadol, (a commentary on this medrish and also known as the Beur Maspik,) adds that since Yosef will be a ruler in the future and will support and take care of Yaakov in his old age, that is why he was considered “a son of his old age.”

When Yosef’s brothers convened a court to deliberate whether it was halachically right to kill Yosef for either trying to kill them or, at the very worst, for destroying their Olam Haba, “Reuvain said to them, ‘Don’t murder him, rather throw him into this pit in the desert and he will die there.’ They listened to him, snatched Yosef and threw him into the pit…” What did Reuvain do? He went and sat on top of a hill with the intent to go down by night and take Yosef out of the pit. The nine brothers were sitting around in one place, united with one heart and one idea, and then a caravan of Yishmaelites passed by them and they said, “Why don’t we sell him to the Yishmaelites”. They took him to the edge of the desert and Yaakov, his father, did not hear from him again. They sold him to the Yishmaelites for 20 silvers and each one of them, (including Reuvain) bought shoes for themselves for two silvers each… They said we should make a pact that no one should tell Yaakov Avinu what happened until everyone agrees unanimously to divulge what happened, and anyone who breaks the pact would be excommunicated. Yehuda said to them, ‘Reuvain isn’t here and a pact with excommunication can only go into effect if there are ten.’ What did they do? They had Hashem join the group to make up ten and they declared the pact of excommunication. Reuvain came that night to take Yosef out of the pit and did not find him there. His initial reaction was telling them ‘You killed Yosef, and I was going to come back!’ They told him about what happened and about the pact of excommunication and Reuvain fell silent. Hashem also was silent because of the pact and did not tell a thing to Yaakov, though it writes (in the last pasuk of perek 147 in Tehillim,) ‘He relates His Word to Yaakov,’ but this matter He did not relate to Yaakov, therefore Yaakov did not know what happened to Yosef and he said Yosef must have been torn apart.”

The Bayis HaGadol says that to understand on a simple level why Hashem participated in such a thing, the Mizrachi explains that there was a tradition from the brothers’ forefathers that in the future they would go down to Egypt through the sale of one of the tribes. For this reason, Hashem didn’t want to reveal this secret, for if He would have revealed this to Yaakov, Yaakov would have sent people after him to redeem Yosef, and the decree of the bris bein habisarim would not have been fulfilled. And since all the brothers’ actions were to fulfill the decree of Hashem then Hashem ‘was not able to’ reveal what they did. Once they saw that Hashem agreed to what they were doing and that this was His Will, there was no better partner in these circumstances. (Click here for Hebrew text.)
It would seem that the brothers realized selling Yosef was part of the destiny of the Jewish People as Hashem told Avraham by the bris bein habisarim, as it says, “And He said to Avram, “You shall surely know that your seed will be strangers in a land that is not theirs, and they will enslave them and oppress them, for four hundred years. And also the nation that they will serve will I judge, and afterwards they will go forth with great possessions” (Breishis 15:13, 14). Since this was part of the destiny of Jews, Hashem went along with the plan and Yaakov thought Yosef was killed by a wild animal, because Yaakov would have foiled the destined plans if he would have found out what had happened.
Why couldn’t Hashem tell Yaakov what actually happened, instead of Yaakov living through the misery of thinking his most beloved son was killed? Where is Yaakov’s belief and trust in Hashem? He surely also knew the tradition stemming from his grandfather, Avraham, of what was destined to happen and he also knew through prophesy that Yosef would one day become a leader. So why couldn’t he at least put two and two together and believe that this was all part of Hashem’s master plan, decreed by Hashem Himself to Avraham, and possibly Yosef would wind up becoming viceroy in Egypt and they would eventually leave with much wealth as promised by Hashem?

It would seem that Yaakov’s love for Yosef was so strong that he would not have been able to accept that this was a decree from Heaven and he would have redeemed Yosef, as the quality of natural choice in the world, which would have thwarted the plans of Jewish destiny. But since Hashem does not give a test which is impossible for a person to pass, and Yaakov, based on a miniscule level of emotional sensitivity would not have been able to pass this test of his faith in Hashem, verses his love for his son, therefore Hashem kept it secret from Yaakov to let destiny unfold.

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Sefer Chofetz Chaim chapter 10 footnote 18 and rest of halacha 4

The Chofetz Chaim had mentioned in his note that you must first tell the victim what had happened to him and who did it before you tell anyone else in matters where it’s unlikely or not the situation where he would be compensated. This is because word spreads and if he finds out second hand what happened that might make matters worse and create a tremendous fight. We want to avoid internal fight amongst the Jews. The #1 reason for arguments is rechilus, people tell on each other to others in a fashion which allows a bad situation to escalate. Hashem created a prohibition of rechilus (which the Chofetz Chaim discusses in the next part of this book, after chapter 10) just for this reason, to minimize the possibility of finding amongst His children. A person might make an excuse for himself that he would be allowed to tell others, before he tells the victim, assuming he meets all the rules, because anyways there is a chance, albeit a farfetched chance that maybe the criminal will repent and give back what he owes. But we have to assume that it is a farfetched chance that he will actually repent since he was already rebuked and didn’t listen or is known not to listen to rebuke, therefore, unless it is probable compensation can be exacted then it is forbidden to spread the word if what happened before telling the victim even if it is for the proper intent of teaching people not to follow the ways of this evildoer. It is better to not cause fighting amongst the Jews then teach others a lesson not to follow in the bad ways of these criminals.

Furthermore, you have to be careful who you give this information to, for if you tell people who aren’t willing to listen to your warnings not to follow the ways of the criminal, for example if you are talking to people who are also thieves or part of the mafia who don’t care about the way this criminal acted. Then you might cause them to speak rechilus because they might tell the criminal what you told them, even if you met all the rules and had the right intent to try to stop them from following what he did, but telling the wrong people might escalate a big argument and might even cause them to tell on you to the government or other non-Jews and create serious problems for the Jews.

It also doesn’t matter if someone asked you what happened or you just tell them if you are allowed to then it’s fine if not, then not. Many times people make up excuses that they can tell their family members what other people have done to them, and it’s a mitzvah to do so because the verse in Yeshayahu 58:7 says “You shall not hide anything from your own flesh and blood” However only if all the prerequisites are met them you can tell them if not, then it’s absolutely forbidden and straight out rechilus/lashon hara.

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Vayishlach – Never Give Up on Your Child

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According to calculations based on the Seder HaOlam, by the Tanna Rebbe Yossi ben Chalafta, Reuvain was 15 years old when he switched Yaakov’s bed from Bilhah’s tent to his mother’s, Leah’s, tent. This act was a very immodest gesture and demonstrated a lack of respect to his father as seen from how the pasuk treats its severity, “And it came to pass when Israel sojourned in that land, that Reuven went and lay with Bilhah, his father’s concubine, and Israel heard [of it], and so, the sons of Jacob were twelve” (Breishis 35:22). Rashi explains Reuvain’s defense, “וישכב AND HE LAY — Because he switched his couch, Scripture accounts it to him as though he had actually sinned in this manner. But why did he switch his couch? When Rachel died Yaakov removed the couch to Bilhah’s tent and Reuvain came and protested against the slight thus inflicted on his mother (Leah). He said: “If my mother’s sister was her rival, is that any reason why the handmaid of my mother’s sister should become a rival to her!” On this account he disturbed the couch (Shabbat 55b).”
Though Reuvain had good intentions, they were still misguided; however the Ralbag learns a lesson from Yaakov’s reaction or lack thereof, “which is that it is appropriate for a person to not blow up at his eldest son over the despicable acts he committed, for maybe he might push himself away from him and totally lose him. Rather it is befitting for this person at this juncture to bring his son closer to him in order to guide him onto the right path. For this reason, the Torah related that Yaakov had heard about the terrible act Reuvain had done, and it makes no mention of Yaakov getting angry at him. However, when Yaakov gave orders and blessings at the end of his life, he punished Reuvain for this horrible act by snatching away his birthright and giving it to Yosef.” (Click here for Hebrew text.)
It is fascinating that the proper thing to do is to still punish your child after he has learned how to act appropriately and has done teshuva (repentance), which chaza”l say Reuvain did. Indeed, he even led the way for Yehuda to do teshuva for his wrongdoing of not saving Yosef and bringing him back to Yaakov, when he was thrown into the pit, though he had the chance. Yet Reuvain still deserved punishment and because he understood the wrong he did, because of the proper guidance from Yaakov, there was no worry about him being angry and leaving the family when he lost his birthright to Yosef.

However why does the Ralbag point out this lesson of not being quick to anger and throwing one’s child out of his house for a severe sin he has done, specifically pertaining to the eldest child; wouldn’t it pertain to any child? Imagine if G-D forbid, any child became a drug addict, stole thousands of dollars’ worth of jewelry from his parents and beat up his brother. Would it make a difference whether he was the oldest, youngest or middle child, either way, the parents’ reaction would be either to get angry and throw him out of the house or more appropriately take him in, bring him closer, care for him and help him fix his problem; so why does the Ralbag emphasize him being the eldest child?

It would seem to the Ralbag, that of course the most appropriate thing would be to show patience, love, and compassion for your own child, and to direct him on the right path. But when it comes to the eldest child a parent might have higher expectations for him or her and be quicker to anger, irrationally throwing the child out of the house if he or she does not live up to those expectations. That’s basic human nature or psychology of a parent towards their eldest, therefore the Ralbag goes out of his way to inform parents to not act on human nature and be quick to get angry just because one’s eldest is majorly failing at what his expectations are and rather be patient and show proper love and guidance for this wayward child of theirs.

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Sefer Chofetz Chaim chapter 10 halacha 4 footnotes 14-17

The positive use of telling others about a person who humiliated someone else besides making an impression on other how bad it is to embarrass others or to potentially convince the perpetrator to apologize, besides that there is a great benefit that can come out for the victim even if he doesn’t get any money out if the deal, which is other people sympathizing with him which will make him feel better.

Now, you might think that only for the purpose of helping the victim can you tell one person at a time what happened but if you want to spread the word to create awareness of the severity of the sin or to get the perpetrator to fix his ways then you need to tell people in groups of 3 or more, that ensures it will spread and shows you are doing it for the right reasons and not for your own benefits, however in this case where you already tried rebuking the guy and it didn’t work you don’t have to tell people in groups, you can tell them about the severity of the crime individually and you won’t look like you are doing it for ulterior motives other than to spread the truth.

The Chofetz Chaim wasn’t sure if you are just spreading the word for the sake of warning others not to follow in that path whether you are allowed to do that with name dropping in a case where it is possible that the perpetrator my have an excuse, for example he didn’t know any better or didn’t realize the severy if his crime, then maybe you can’t say any names.

And when the Chofetz Chaim said you should tell others of what happened without first telling the victim that us only if telling other won’t have any monetary repercussions for the victim but if it does then you can tell others before telling the victim.